Arena Review
Arena is a fun, light hearted science fiction boxing movie filled with an unbelievable amount of cheese. The story centers around the appropriately named Steve Armstrong, a fry cook on an enormous space station that serves as a hub of intergalactic trade. In that regard it’s similar to the Citadel of Mass Effect. Steve left Earth with the dream of one day becoming a fighter in the eponymous Arena and winning pride and glory for humans everywhere by boxing with aliens. Things didn’t go as planned. It turns out the official Arena position is that humans are too weak to fight and no promoter will sign one. Crestfallen, Steve was forced to work as a fry cook to earn a ticket back home. But the job is grueling and demeaning and Steve is in a deep depression.
One day during work, Steve gets in a fight with a beligerant alien, and despite being much smaller than him, he successfully beats him to a pulp. This gets him fired and evicted from his home. Things seem hopeless until a human lady approaches him. This woman is Claudia Christian. You might recognize her from her role as Susan Ivanova from Babylon 5. She does an ok job.
It turns out the bellicose alien was a famous boxer and this lady was his manager. She convinces him to join her company and box to recoup her losses, restore the pride of the human race, and win a ticket back to Earth. So now to describe the fights, they’re ridiculous. Steve fights against bizarre 7 foot tall stop motion rubber monsters in a boxing ring. During each fight, each combatant is bathed in a cone of light. This is the “Handicapper”. The handicapper is a supercomputer that emits a beam of… uh… science to lower the strength of the stronger opponent to make the fight fair and based solely on skill. This is pretty stupid, but I’m ok with it. The fights are definitely my favorite part of the movie.
Steve’s constant victories draw the ire of the fight commissioner Rogor. Rogor is played by Marc Alaimo, a man famous for playing the grey alien jerk, Gul Dukat, on Star Trek Deep Space Nine. Rogor is, interestingly enough, also a grey alien jerk. He wants Steve to work for him and throw fights so he can rake in money from manipulated bets. Steve refuses and Rogor decides to kill Steve. He decides to do this not by poisoning him or shooting him with a gun but by hacking into the handicapper and making Steve significantly weaker than his opponent in the championship fight. Why no one had tried doing this before is never explained. Steve, of course, triumphs against all odds, Rogor gets arrested by the space police, Humanity gets to brag about their championship, and all is right in the world. The end.
If you are like me and have a healthy appreciation for crap, I think you just might enjoy Arena.
-Max Foster-
